Talking to Children about Death and Dying
Why Should Children Be Told
Children have an inherent right to know about anything that affects the family. Not telling them not only breaks the trust but experience has shown that it is the family secrets that cause children damage, rather than the truth. Children will know that something is wrong. If we don’t tell them they will imagine things for themselves.
We cannot protect children from the hard parts of life, but we can love and support them as they deal with difficult issues. Protecting them may prevent them from developing the skills necessary to deal with the hard stuff and take away their ability to cope with any of life’s complications.
Children may well hear information from others. If you tell them what they need to know, then you have control over that information and can ensure that what they are told is correct and relevant to your family and culture..
Children deal with the truth amazingly well. We cannot take away their sadness, but if we give them the right information and share our own feelings, we can offer them support in their sadness.
When Do We Tell the Children?
If a family member has a diagnosis of a terminal illness as soon after diagnosis is the best time to tell. That way the children will be part of ongoing discussions and developments as they occur. Be willing to answer questions and make time to talk.
After a death has occurred, involve children as early as possible, by giving them the information they need to know.
How Should We Tell the Children?
You may need to do it on an individual basis at first depending on age and stage developmental needs, but later it may be that you talk as a family. Remember that you don’t need to give children all of the information at one time and that you don’t need to give them all of the information. As long as they are always told the truth, which is what is important.
It can be helpful to write down what you would like the children to know, this can be useful in ensuring that they receive the same information each time they ask and you don’t have to try and remember exactly what you have said. Make sure that what you say is in a language that the children will understand.
Talk about feelings as well as facts. Sometimes when we are dealing with hard stuff we can feel overwhelmed by different emotions, fear, sadness, anger, helplessness, or even guilt, this is very normal and it can be helpful to express what we feel. The child’s emotions may well be quite different but it will help to normalise their experience.
Don’t push children to talk. If the lines of communication are always open, then they will chose a right time to talk.
Remember to tell the children who you want them to share information with. If you are not ready for the world to know your personal information, be sure to make that clear to the child, however it is very helpful for them to have someone outside the family that they can talk to.
And finally, when walking this journey with a child “Keep walking and talking and listen patiently. Walk always with your eyes and ears open to the child."